There are times when life seems to be cruising along just fine when you find yourself suddenly reeling from a wound that you didn’t know was there.
A few weeks ago a good friend of mine was invited to go to a kind of nationwide get-together for the people who are working in various W@H ministries around the country. When I heard the news I was really happy for for all kinds of reasons but when he came back and we were sitting in a Best Buy parking lot with him telling me about the trip I felt like he’d inadvertently tripped a wire in my heart that I didn’t know about.
I was hit with jealousy because clearly it was me who should have gone not him.
I was hit with...um...whatever it’s called when I patronize somebody...because he needs that kind of affirmation but of course I don’t.
There was anger, coveting, envy...all those red and green emotions.
And I think if it had been those things only I could have walked away from that moment knowing that it was another wrestling match with my flesh and/or the devil – perfectly human stuff.
But bearing the weight of all that other crap was a foundation of something like despair – and that one really caught me off guard.
As he talked about this trip and all the things that happened, really cool things that I would have really enjoyed, it was bringing me back to 7th grade at MPH. I was a clumsy 13 year old who was too big for his shoes and who (to his unending shame) wore jeans sized “Husky.” I distinctly remember gym class where we were playing dodge ball and Gary Aberg was one of the captains picking players for his team. Pick after pick after pick and it’s eventually it’s just me and Bruce – the kid with cerebral palsy. As a small mercy, Gary did pick me and the other team got Bruce, but I’m sure you can see that was no great comfort.
Now it would be tempting to close that story with something like, “I’d never been so humiliated in my life” but that’s not really how the memory plays. As I remember it, I had come to expect the outcome after many similar days in gym class and by the time this memory was formed I had long since given up any sense of pride. In my mind at that time there was no dog left to kick I had so completely owned my failure. In fact, I also remember a gym class as a high school freshman where Grant something-rather picked me third for his dodge ball team because I had found my feet by that time and was a damn good player. But that memory rates a dim two on the ‘vivid and formative’ scale where Gary’s team is much higher – and perhaps even higher than I thought three days ago.
I suspect everybody goes through some variation of the ‘didn’t get picked for the team’ thing so I don’t think I’m at all unique in that regard but as I was reliving that moment in the car I saw something in me that has been hidden (from me anyway). I don’t really expect anybody to invite me into anything. In fact I very strongly expect that any good thing’s I want to happen, I’ll have to do myself. I’m not invited – I volunteer. Good things don’t happen to me, or for me – I make them happen myself.
Now anybody who’s kept up with this blog should realize that in many ways this is just a variation on the same kinds of wounds I’ve talked about and unpacked often over the last several years and that’s true. For myself it was really surprising to find this abscess of untouched bitterness when I thought I’d dealt with most of that. But when I started to share some of this with Rebekah her response was something like “well duh” but she was much kinder about it. :) Still – to her this bend in my frame was pretty self-evident even if she didn’t quite have the words to describe it until I gave them to her.
It also goes back to something John Eldredge said about a month ago when he was on a book tour in Portland. He spoke about the way we tend to live as though we were fatherless. When he said that it was like catching just a tiny glimpse of a tall peak shrouded in clouds...there was something big under there but for the most pat I couldn’t perceive it except in fragments. And so this particular comment has stuck in my mind and God’s been expanding it to show me more...but slowly because for the most part it hurts.
God self-identifies as ‘father’ and the uncomfortable truth is that I have some pretty deep seated ambivalence about that idea. Even the word feels chunky and formal and cold. Calling God daddy...I am so NOT comfortable with that. ‘Lord’ is my general address but I don’t like what I find when I start asking why I use that term. For one – it’s feels safe. It’s appropriately deferential and speaks to an authority structure that I least feel like I understand – maybe like when a boy comes to call his dad ‘sir.’ I can my earthly father ‘dad’ or one of a few affectionate terms like ‘pops’ or ‘old-man’ but I’m still not really cool with there either, in the end I’m pretty darn afraid of seeming disrespectful. Even as I type this I’m conflicted – fear of the lord is the beginning of wisdom and all that. A desire to be respectful seems like a good impulse – but I’m missing the warmth, the connection, the intimacy that I want so bad and yet am also terrified to face.
It might not be clear how this is connected to the early stuff and to be honest, I’m not sure myself – but somehow they are. This boy waiting to be wanted, to be included in the game is resigned and his spirit is long since broken, he’s in my heart somewhere feeling alone in the world. There is no one there to interpret his sadness, to give him context, to explain what’s happening – he’s fatherless.
...bah...that’s not coming out right. I told you I’m only getting glimpses here and maybe this post is premature, but I wanted to write down what’s in my mind and this seemed like the right place to start.
14 June 2009
03 June 2009
28 March 2009
The journey so far
When I thought I would make a pilgrimage to Bethel, I figured on basically going with what was on my back (or in the back of my Jeep anyway). I didn‘t have anyplace to stay, I didn’t know anybody, and I had basically no available funds. And this week, as it started out with some interesting developments has continued to develop – though still on a path that is much different than expected.
I should note that the house thing has had a number of things that required immediate and personal attention to handle – additional confirmation that this was the wrong week to be on the road, but everything does appear to have been settled appropriately and positively including this little wrinkle that I only recognized as a blessing when #1 pointed it out. You’ll remember I need to cough up $3500 when the guy started everything on Saturday? Well for some reason he gaffed his paperwork up and the deal was never completed on their end. So when I call on Tuesday to say ‘Hello...where’s my paperwork? You know, the stuff you were supposed to fax or overnight?” they had totally lost it all and had to start over. And for whatever reason their little calculator, or further consideration, determined $2500 would be quite sufficient...so that’s awesome. :)
I also had another friend contact me out of the blue on Tuesday. This is a guy who I thought for sure had, or soon would go out of business in this economy and I hadn’t heard hide nor hair from him is months. Anyway, he rings up and wants to get together. Beside a very cool catch-up session it turns out he and his church have some really deep contacts down at Bethel including several of their church members who are attending Bethel’s ministry school. I don’t want to count an egg as a chicken but he seemed to feel that he could find me at least a couch to crash on during a visit...but potentially much more. For example, rumor has it that Bill Johnson (the guy in my dream) is a huge Apple fan and talks about how much he loves his iPhone during his sermons. How cool would it be to get Bill Johnson to pray over G and Soma?
I also suddenly realized that in another 10 minutes I turn 38...and if that isn’t a journey I don’t know what is. :)
Anyway, as it appears, the pilgrimage may be reshaping before my eyes even as it’s been delayed – but I’m totally confident that God is up to something in the clutch here.
One thing that did come up this week on the down side was the news that “Soma” may be a no-go with regard to that particular trademark. It seems that Marc Ecko of Ecko Unlimited owns the trademark but in some dark, dusty ‘intent to use’ sense. As far as we can tell, there is no actual company using that name but years ago it was registered as if somebody, someday, somehow hoped to use it and now it lingers out there in this legal gray area. (it’s gray because I was actively using that name at least 18 months before it was registered, but I’m no legal guy so it never occurred to me to register that trademark.) Anyway, it could be an issue that would force us to change our name which would be a huge downer. Mostly because I’m convinced that that is the name God told me to use. Finding a name with the same meaning...wouldn’t be the same. Still – I’m sort of going on the theory that if it is indeed His idea, then it’s sort of incumbent upon Him to make this work somehow. It’s not as if me and my $99 legal zoom trademark form can challenge a billion dollar fashion firm on some kind of common law basis so it’s not like I can play tough. So I’m thinking the the best course is really to pray and fast...and then just ask if we can have it.
I should note that the house thing has had a number of things that required immediate and personal attention to handle – additional confirmation that this was the wrong week to be on the road, but everything does appear to have been settled appropriately and positively including this little wrinkle that I only recognized as a blessing when #1 pointed it out. You’ll remember I need to cough up $3500 when the guy started everything on Saturday? Well for some reason he gaffed his paperwork up and the deal was never completed on their end. So when I call on Tuesday to say ‘Hello...where’s my paperwork? You know, the stuff you were supposed to fax or overnight?” they had totally lost it all and had to start over. And for whatever reason their little calculator, or further consideration, determined $2500 would be quite sufficient...so that’s awesome. :)
I also had another friend contact me out of the blue on Tuesday. This is a guy who I thought for sure had, or soon would go out of business in this economy and I hadn’t heard hide nor hair from him is months. Anyway, he rings up and wants to get together. Beside a very cool catch-up session it turns out he and his church have some really deep contacts down at Bethel including several of their church members who are attending Bethel’s ministry school. I don’t want to count an egg as a chicken but he seemed to feel that he could find me at least a couch to crash on during a visit...but potentially much more. For example, rumor has it that Bill Johnson (the guy in my dream) is a huge Apple fan and talks about how much he loves his iPhone during his sermons. How cool would it be to get Bill Johnson to pray over G and Soma?
I also suddenly realized that in another 10 minutes I turn 38...and if that isn’t a journey I don’t know what is. :)
Anyway, as it appears, the pilgrimage may be reshaping before my eyes even as it’s been delayed – but I’m totally confident that God is up to something in the clutch here.
One thing that did come up this week on the down side was the news that “Soma” may be a no-go with regard to that particular trademark. It seems that Marc Ecko of Ecko Unlimited owns the trademark but in some dark, dusty ‘intent to use’ sense. As far as we can tell, there is no actual company using that name but years ago it was registered as if somebody, someday, somehow hoped to use it and now it lingers out there in this legal gray area. (it’s gray because I was actively using that name at least 18 months before it was registered, but I’m no legal guy so it never occurred to me to register that trademark.) Anyway, it could be an issue that would force us to change our name which would be a huge downer. Mostly because I’m convinced that that is the name God told me to use. Finding a name with the same meaning...wouldn’t be the same. Still – I’m sort of going on the theory that if it is indeed His idea, then it’s sort of incumbent upon Him to make this work somehow. It’s not as if me and my $99 legal zoom trademark form can challenge a billion dollar fashion firm on some kind of common law basis so it’s not like I can play tough. So I’m thinking the the best course is really to pray and fast...and then just ask if we can have it.
26 March 2009
24 March 2009
Update
Well today was a very interesting and very important day...not at all what I had imagined for my third day of pilgrimage, but pivotal and undeniably providential.
First – the whole house thing is taken care of. Until I could say that, I don’t think I realized how much that’s been weighing on me. I’ve been able to keep a good game face on or the last several months and I truly had faith that everything would work out...but now faith has turned into physical, legal reality and I’m deeply relieved. This house has come to mean so much more to me than I expected when we bought it. Nine years ago, Re and I moved into this 100 year old project house when the previous owner was foreclosed upon...hmmm, I hadn’t thought about that until just now...anyway – we really thought we would be in it for three to five years, fix the thing up and move on. That seemed like a pretty reasonable plan given my upwardly mobile career with Aquent. It was an investment property, not a home. But now we’ve been here for nine years in April and I absolutely LOVE this house. It has totally become home despite its warts and dreadful proximity to the highway. We’ve hosted so many friends here which is at the core of what we both sensed when we bought it – it was a gift from God, but it was explicit that we were supposed to share it. Two families and three individuals have lived here with us over the years for extended periods (and we’re about to have another long term guest) plus an unknown amount of more temporary guests. And at every turn, we’ve been more than happy to do it. We’ve never felt imposed upon or jealous of our space (OK, hat’s not 100% true, but mostly) - that darn guest room is almost as used as our bedroom!
The dreadful thought of losing this place was probably the most heart-sickening thing of 2008, even more than thinking I’d lose the business. Those stupid unfinished cabinets are MY unfinished cabinets! But today – that threat went away when CRB told me the funds were available right away. And while I recognize the tradition of not speaking too soon...crappy economy and uncertain future in mind, I feel confident that the threat is gone for good.
[Insert deep sigh of relief here]
But where I basically knew this day was coming, today also held a totally unexpected surprise...
The other overwhelming misery of 2008 was the loss of a very dear and precious friend. (see Baldur the Beautiful is Dead from early last year) It’s not like he died, but honestly...it felt like that. Our parting had so very much pain for me. It was a long drawn out thing that seemed like it just kept hitting me over and over. I haven’t had grief like that, maybe ever. Even when Odin was in the hospital, that was intense and awful for a couple weeks but there was a happy ending. This was slow and lingering and every week seemed to bring a new and deeper layer of hurt. And there was no happy ending, if indeed there was any kind of ending. The whole thing kind of boiled away until everybody involved was exhausted and bruised beyond recognition. (By the way, I’m well aware that I was in no way the only person hurt nor the most hurt...but like this is my blog...)
This man was one of my best friends and in al of that I didn’t know if I would ever see him again, much less if we would ever speak. I remember that point about six months ago where the grief of a traumatic event finally catches up and overcomes your ‘everything is fine’ face and I was screaming and balling in front of all the monkeys as I had to give all of that to God...poor monkeys.
So yesterday this guys calls me as my pilgrimage has been put on hold due to a bum alternator. (OK – he texted me...come to think of it, I’m not sure that he ever actually uses his phone for talking). I hadn’t heard a peep out of him in about 14 months and he calls/texts yesterday. ‘Hmmm’ I think, ‘could this be the Lord?’ and I think, “well I don’t know what’s on this guy’s mind. Could be good...could be bad.” but in the spirit of taking the adventure God was giving I managed to meet with him this afternoon.
Without getting into all the gory details – it was good.
We were able to make peace, and I think it’s a genuine peace not just a paper job.
[Insert deep sigh of relief here]
There’s a lot more to say about that, but at the moment it seems premature – like talking out of school or something, so you’ll just have to settle for the notion that the meeting went well.
So today the two deepest hurts of the last year, which was full of hurts, were set like broken bones. And they both have this feel to them like I don’t yet comprehend how important today will seem in a year or five years. Like things happened today that will have major implications in the future. But time will have to tell because for me...it’s just a dose of good medicine that I really needed.
Was this part of the pilgrimage that God called me on? Was this part of his plan all along? I don’t know.
But I am confident that both events were directly created by Him and for his purposes and glory. So either way I’m a happy camper (or non-camper since I’m home and not in the back of my Jeep...)
Still – the rest of this week was set aside for His adventure and I plan to be faithful to that. A few things come to mind in how I might still wing a trip down there and I may still decide to do something of a long shot, but I first want to wait and see what happens next. Rather than force my agenda or my destination, I’m happy to play this by ear and hang on for the ride.
First – the whole house thing is taken care of. Until I could say that, I don’t think I realized how much that’s been weighing on me. I’ve been able to keep a good game face on or the last several months and I truly had faith that everything would work out...but now faith has turned into physical, legal reality and I’m deeply relieved. This house has come to mean so much more to me than I expected when we bought it. Nine years ago, Re and I moved into this 100 year old project house when the previous owner was foreclosed upon...hmmm, I hadn’t thought about that until just now...anyway – we really thought we would be in it for three to five years, fix the thing up and move on. That seemed like a pretty reasonable plan given my upwardly mobile career with Aquent. It was an investment property, not a home. But now we’ve been here for nine years in April and I absolutely LOVE this house. It has totally become home despite its warts and dreadful proximity to the highway. We’ve hosted so many friends here which is at the core of what we both sensed when we bought it – it was a gift from God, but it was explicit that we were supposed to share it. Two families and three individuals have lived here with us over the years for extended periods (and we’re about to have another long term guest) plus an unknown amount of more temporary guests. And at every turn, we’ve been more than happy to do it. We’ve never felt imposed upon or jealous of our space (OK, hat’s not 100% true, but mostly) - that darn guest room is almost as used as our bedroom!
The dreadful thought of losing this place was probably the most heart-sickening thing of 2008, even more than thinking I’d lose the business. Those stupid unfinished cabinets are MY unfinished cabinets! But today – that threat went away when CRB told me the funds were available right away. And while I recognize the tradition of not speaking too soon...crappy economy and uncertain future in mind, I feel confident that the threat is gone for good.
[Insert deep sigh of relief here]
But where I basically knew this day was coming, today also held a totally unexpected surprise...
The other overwhelming misery of 2008 was the loss of a very dear and precious friend. (see Baldur the Beautiful is Dead from early last year) It’s not like he died, but honestly...it felt like that. Our parting had so very much pain for me. It was a long drawn out thing that seemed like it just kept hitting me over and over. I haven’t had grief like that, maybe ever. Even when Odin was in the hospital, that was intense and awful for a couple weeks but there was a happy ending. This was slow and lingering and every week seemed to bring a new and deeper layer of hurt. And there was no happy ending, if indeed there was any kind of ending. The whole thing kind of boiled away until everybody involved was exhausted and bruised beyond recognition. (By the way, I’m well aware that I was in no way the only person hurt nor the most hurt...but like this is my blog...)
This man was one of my best friends and in al of that I didn’t know if I would ever see him again, much less if we would ever speak. I remember that point about six months ago where the grief of a traumatic event finally catches up and overcomes your ‘everything is fine’ face and I was screaming and balling in front of all the monkeys as I had to give all of that to God...poor monkeys.
So yesterday this guys calls me as my pilgrimage has been put on hold due to a bum alternator. (OK – he texted me...come to think of it, I’m not sure that he ever actually uses his phone for talking). I hadn’t heard a peep out of him in about 14 months and he calls/texts yesterday. ‘Hmmm’ I think, ‘could this be the Lord?’ and I think, “well I don’t know what’s on this guy’s mind. Could be good...could be bad.” but in the spirit of taking the adventure God was giving I managed to meet with him this afternoon.
Without getting into all the gory details – it was good.
We were able to make peace, and I think it’s a genuine peace not just a paper job.
[Insert deep sigh of relief here]
There’s a lot more to say about that, but at the moment it seems premature – like talking out of school or something, so you’ll just have to settle for the notion that the meeting went well.
So today the two deepest hurts of the last year, which was full of hurts, were set like broken bones. And they both have this feel to them like I don’t yet comprehend how important today will seem in a year or five years. Like things happened today that will have major implications in the future. But time will have to tell because for me...it’s just a dose of good medicine that I really needed.
Was this part of the pilgrimage that God called me on? Was this part of his plan all along? I don’t know.
But I am confident that both events were directly created by Him and for his purposes and glory. So either way I’m a happy camper (or non-camper since I’m home and not in the back of my Jeep...)
Still – the rest of this week was set aside for His adventure and I plan to be faithful to that. A few things come to mind in how I might still wing a trip down there and I may still decide to do something of a long shot, but I first want to wait and see what happens next. Rather than force my agenda or my destination, I’m happy to play this by ear and hang on for the ride.
23 March 2009
Pilgrimage: Cont.
Pilgrimage day 2: location: home
Um...yeah, so this isn’t exactly what I had in mind but here I am at home on Monday evening trying to se what’s next. It’s worth recounting an interesting chain of events that got me here, some will just have to go without explanation for the time being.
So...as far as I can tell the Jesus gears are rolling at a full clip. It’s not really the trip I expected, but the thing all pilgrimage rites include is a notion that the journey is the important part, not so much the destination. So at least I seem to be on a journey...even here at home...which is a funny concept now that I think about it. Right now, I don’t know what else to say. I would still like to get to Redding this week but God will need to provide a way, and I have to be back here NLT Saturday for baked Alaska.
Um...yeah, so this isn’t exactly what I had in mind but here I am at home on Monday evening trying to se what’s next. It’s worth recounting an interesting chain of events that got me here, some will just have to go without explanation for the time being.
- On Thursday, I’m thinking it would be good to take that pilgrimage I’ve been thinking about and God has been talking to me about. Alice will be in town all week so it works out that way instead of leaving Rebekah home alone with her crazy husband chasing the Wild Goose. It’s a good idea, but really there are no funds to do that kind of thing – not even to buy gas really. I mean we could do it if I had to, but it seems frivolous and unwise.
- On Friday a friend gets it in his head that he’d like to kick in $150 to he weird idea his friend is having...and I am suddenly reminded about how things worked on the last trip God sent me on (to Fort Mill SC) - namely, if it’s his plan, he picks up the tab. So this is a good start, but not enough to make the trip.
- On Friday, on a hunch, I jump the jeep which has been abandoned in my yard for six months and drive it to AutoZone – turns out all that is wrong is the battery is shot. $150 may not be enough for an extended trip or a rental car, but it’s enough for a new battery. $60 later and the Jeep is running fine.
- Friday night I’m in Seattle as part of a BCNW detachment talking about spiritual warfare. The prayer team hears a specific word: ambush. But the event goes well with nary a hitch and I forgot the ambush part until just now...still don’t know if it fits in here somewhere, but I may as well record all the details.
- On Saturday I FINALLY get some good news form our bank about our house. (yes, we (like a lot of other folks) were in significant monetary distress from the infamous year of 2008). They were able to put us up on a repayment program to get everything back in line but on the stipulation that I cough up $3500 by Thursday. That’s not a trivial amount of money, but nor is it a gigantic amount of money. I’m pretty sure we can wrangle it all together...but there’s the rub – wrangling while on pilgrimage is less than ideal.
- Also on Saturday, Wane and Alice arrive – Alice hands me a birthday card fro Pat who insists that I get it right away, a week before my birthday – it’s $200. With that and the $150 I think that car camping in he Jeep is a doable scenario and I start planning to leave on Sunday.
- I hit the road at about 10:00 Sunday morning and head south – I figure I have an eight hour drive and maybe I’ll make the 6pm service at Bethel.
- The Jeep is running fine and while I’m not 100% sure, I could swear the little battery gauge was at 14 where it belongs, but regardless – just south of Albany the thing suddenly dies...less than a mile from the off ramp to my friend Tom Smith’s place, who’s 6 year old is having a birthday party in 20 minutes, to which my other friend John Bergquist is basically driving right past me on the way to Tom’s. AAA tows the disabled vehicle to Toms place and we stick a battery charger on the thing to se what happens.
- Several interesting things happen at he party, some of which may fall under the ‘trying too hard’ category but one is a ‘vision’ as Carrie (6) is opening her presents – an old-fashioned plow over her head. A little later I tell Tom and ask, ‘Does that mean anything to you.’ And he says, ‘Oh yeah. Carrie desperately wants to be a farmer. In fact she’s saving up for her own farm and has been for years.’ Now while this is interesting...I’m not sure of anything more compelling than a kind of confirmation that I wasn’t sniffing glue...again...already.
- Contrary to the advice of many I decide I’m going to take the adventure God gives me and continue south – broken alternator or not. I get another 50 miles of so to Creswell and the dying car just barely makes it to a diner/motel. It’s dark now so I decide to stay the night here. (corned beef hash and eggs were great)
- The counter guy at the hotel has acute laryngitis. I offer to pray for the guy and he says (whispers) ‘I’ll take anything I can get’ - Monday morning he has his voice back.
- After lots of praying and counsel from friends it seems like I should head home. If I’m meant to get to Redding, it will have to be some other means than this Jeep as I don’t want to drop another $100 on an alternator and then maybe the next thing, the next thing, the next thing...you know the old-car-get-fixed cycle. Anyway, getting home is a trial - basically drive for 30 min, pull over to charge the battery for an hour, rinse, repeat. But God is good and twice, including the last leg to my driveway, the car sputters and dies just as it rolls to the place it needed to be with not another 20 yards left in the thing.
- Remember the $3500 I need by Thursday? Today, at least $2200 showed up unexpectedly, (plus a planned for $7500 gets in the pipe two weeks early)...so it looks as though that part of the equation is settled and with basically no wrangling. (w00t!)
- Totally out of the blue, as I’m headed north from Salem, I get a text from an old friend who's been estranged for over a year. I haven’t had a single word from this guy since like last January and he wants to have lunch...tomorrow.
So...as far as I can tell the Jesus gears are rolling at a full clip. It’s not really the trip I expected, but the thing all pilgrimage rites include is a notion that the journey is the important part, not so much the destination. So at least I seem to be on a journey...even here at home...which is a funny concept now that I think about it. Right now, I don’t know what else to say. I would still like to get to Redding this week but God will need to provide a way, and I have to be back here NLT Saturday for baked Alaska.
19 March 2009
Scenes From The "recession"
This is pretty powerful:
http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2009/03/scenes_from_the_recession.html
File under: ‘val.picture=1k*word’
It maybe only that for the fist time I’m old and involved enough to be aware of these things, but this is the first time in my life that I’ve ever sensed any meaning to such words as depression, recession, downturn, etc. And honestly it’s a strange experience. I think the biggest thing that has caught my attention is an awareness of the world-spanning nature of this economy. I’ve certainly read of things going sideways in localities before, but nothing like this.
I also know I’ve heard MANY people say things like : “if folks would just stop being so scared and spend some money this recession would be over”
And while I admit a certain logic to that train of thought, in the end I think it’s a misdiagnosis. While fear is certainly operational, that’s not really what I hear in people’s voices these days. Three months ago, sure – but today it sounds less like fear and more like a hangover. Where a lot of people are waking up to an awareness that they drunk way too deeply from the credit bottle and this pain, in the final analysis, is at least half self-inflicted. I know that’s a big part of my thinking and that’s led to a kind of sobering up that was really uncomfortable at first but feels increasingly good in the pain=gain sort of way.
I mostly just wanted to comment that I feel as if the whole world feels like it’s shifted in the last six months and in the end, my sense is that it will be for the better...or for the antichrist...which is maybe the same thing. :)
http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2009/03/scenes_from_the_recession.html
File under: ‘val.picture=1k*word’
It maybe only that for the fist time I’m old and involved enough to be aware of these things, but this is the first time in my life that I’ve ever sensed any meaning to such words as depression, recession, downturn, etc. And honestly it’s a strange experience. I think the biggest thing that has caught my attention is an awareness of the world-spanning nature of this economy. I’ve certainly read of things going sideways in localities before, but nothing like this.
I also know I’ve heard MANY people say things like : “if folks would just stop being so scared and spend some money this recession would be over”
And while I admit a certain logic to that train of thought, in the end I think it’s a misdiagnosis. While fear is certainly operational, that’s not really what I hear in people’s voices these days. Three months ago, sure – but today it sounds less like fear and more like a hangover. Where a lot of people are waking up to an awareness that they drunk way too deeply from the credit bottle and this pain, in the final analysis, is at least half self-inflicted. I know that’s a big part of my thinking and that’s led to a kind of sobering up that was really uncomfortable at first but feels increasingly good in the pain=gain sort of way.
I mostly just wanted to comment that I feel as if the whole world feels like it’s shifted in the last six months and in the end, my sense is that it will be for the better...or for the antichrist...which is maybe the same thing. :)
17 March 2009
Unexpected update
So I wasn’t expecting this but I had a friend offer to kick in a few bucks toward the pilgrimage.
It’s not what I was expecting (nor hinting at) but it reminds me of previous times I’ve felt God call to me specific places. It seems, now that I think about it, that he always provides for those things in his own way and time. In fact, that might be seen as one of the pounded in lessons of my trip to SC last year.
I’m feeling like there is a principle here that I need to apprehend but I guess the scope of this trip seemed within my ability to cover myself...
“...give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me, lest I be full and deny you and say, Who is the LORD? or lest I be poor and steal and profane the name of my God.” Prov 30:8,9
It’s not what I was expecting (nor hinting at) but it reminds me of previous times I’ve felt God call to me specific places. It seems, now that I think about it, that he always provides for those things in his own way and time. In fact, that might be seen as one of the pounded in lessons of my trip to SC last year.
I’m feeling like there is a principle here that I need to apprehend but I guess the scope of this trip seemed within my ability to cover myself...
“...give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me, lest I be full and deny you and say, Who is the LORD? or lest I be poor and steal and profane the name of my God.” Prov 30:8,9
15 March 2009
Pilgrim? What's that?
First, to get something unrelated off my chest: Facebook is cool and everything but if it winds up taking the place of what was a rich and vibrant blogging culture then I’ll be sorely soreified (...that sounds pretty gross) What I mean to say is that no number of status updates and photo tags is in any way as deep or as meaningful as the way most of these blogs were going for a good long stretch. And as I look around I see a lot of blogs where November or December is the latest entry. >sigh< And I’m pointing the fingers back at me here as well. I know I’ve been totally dragging my tail in the same regard. But...I feel much better now.
OK – moving on to the ‘real’ blog.
For something close to three months, I’ve felt God gently nudging me toward what He’s calling a pilgrimage. I already laid out the main idea in my last post but that was pretty brief and I guess I’m not done chewing on this. Last year, the word God was kneading into my heart was ‘priesthood’ and some really neat stuff came out of that. So far, ‘pilgrim’ is the word or the season and again I’m at a loss to make any kind of emotional connection to the word. I’ve got just a few notions that seem archaic at best, silly at worst. I’m pretty sure God isn’t asking me to wear a tall black hat with a buckle...but you know, He’s known to ask some strange things.
The dictionary tells me the word stems from a Latin word meaning ‘foreign’ and of course explains a pilgrim as somebody on a long journey to a sacred place for religious purposes. But there’s got to be more to this than just a trip – it’s a tradition that has deep and ancient roots and we Christians are by no means alone in the process.
Certainly there is something here about understanding the journey as equally important (if not more so) than the destination. This root of ‘foreign’ reminds me of the thoughts about us being strangers in a strange land – citizens of heaven and not this earth...that all makes a certain amount of sense, but it also seems like there is a lot more to fill in here. I don’t know what to expect from this journey to Bethel. I’m intrigued but somehow less than excited (which I sort of expected I would be). And I have a feeling that over the next week God will explain more of the thing to me. I’m not sure how it will work out financially either. Not like I plan to stay in some sweet resort while I’m there but with things as tight as they are, even the gas is a stretch so I’m praying that God provide for this trip – it might be a good diagnostic to determine if this really is him, or if I’ve manufactured this in my head. In the past, waiting on his provision has been a great way of confirming as well as a faith builder.
Anyway, I expect to go...but frankly I’m not yet certain. Nothing at all like the trip to MorningStar. Maybe that’s part of the pilgrimage too. It has some sense in my mind of being an essentiallyaesthetic ascetic experience (is that the right spelling Kathie?) You know, the whole ‘deny the flesh’ thing. So driving my jeep down there with a sleeping bag doesn’t seem too out of the way.
Uh...ok I don’t know how to end this post. So – I'm done
OK – moving on to the ‘real’ blog.
For something close to three months, I’ve felt God gently nudging me toward what He’s calling a pilgrimage. I already laid out the main idea in my last post but that was pretty brief and I guess I’m not done chewing on this. Last year, the word God was kneading into my heart was ‘priesthood’ and some really neat stuff came out of that. So far, ‘pilgrim’ is the word or the season and again I’m at a loss to make any kind of emotional connection to the word. I’ve got just a few notions that seem archaic at best, silly at worst. I’m pretty sure God isn’t asking me to wear a tall black hat with a buckle...but you know, He’s known to ask some strange things.
The dictionary tells me the word stems from a Latin word meaning ‘foreign’ and of course explains a pilgrim as somebody on a long journey to a sacred place for religious purposes. But there’s got to be more to this than just a trip – it’s a tradition that has deep and ancient roots and we Christians are by no means alone in the process.
Certainly there is something here about understanding the journey as equally important (if not more so) than the destination. This root of ‘foreign’ reminds me of the thoughts about us being strangers in a strange land – citizens of heaven and not this earth...that all makes a certain amount of sense, but it also seems like there is a lot more to fill in here. I don’t know what to expect from this journey to Bethel. I’m intrigued but somehow less than excited (which I sort of expected I would be). And I have a feeling that over the next week God will explain more of the thing to me. I’m not sure how it will work out financially either. Not like I plan to stay in some sweet resort while I’m there but with things as tight as they are, even the gas is a stretch so I’m praying that God provide for this trip – it might be a good diagnostic to determine if this really is him, or if I’ve manufactured this in my head. In the past, waiting on his provision has been a great way of confirming as well as a faith builder.
Anyway, I expect to go...but frankly I’m not yet certain. Nothing at all like the trip to MorningStar. Maybe that’s part of the pilgrimage too. It has some sense in my mind of being an essentially
Uh...ok I don’t know how to end this post. So – I'm done
13 March 2009
Pilgrimage
So I’m feeling led to take a pilgrimage which is an interesting thing to me. I really don’t have any context for that word beyond vague references in history classes and an awareness that Gandalf was known as the Grey Pilgrim.
Also, I’m specifically planning on going to Bethel Church (www.ibethel.org) in Redding, CA.
Right now the very vague plan is to show up...and then stay until I feel like I’m allowed to leave. Good plan eh? Tat said, I’m especially waiting to see what God provides in way of lodging and perhaps transportation. I know I can’t afford to stay in a hotel for a week. Renting a car...maybe that would be OK, but not ideal.
Anyway, prayers appreciated...and if you know a friend in the area who would be willing to host a pilgrim, let me know.
Also, I’m specifically planning on going to Bethel Church (www.ibethel.org) in Redding, CA.
Right now the very vague plan is to show up...and then stay until I feel like I’m allowed to leave. Good plan eh? Tat said, I’m especially waiting to see what God provides in way of lodging and perhaps transportation. I know I can’t afford to stay in a hotel for a week. Renting a car...maybe that would be OK, but not ideal.
Anyway, prayers appreciated...and if you know a friend in the area who would be willing to host a pilgrim, let me know.
27 February 2009
New Audio...um again.
I suck. I haven’t had a single entry on this blog in over a month and there has been so much to talk about. >sigh<
On the other hand, who needs a blog when I have facebook... ;)
Anyway, I did want to drop this new audio clip (see sidebar) on the blog. It’s a sermon I did at TFC earlier this month and I’ve had really good feedback on it. It’s really about hearing God’s voice and how we balance that with the black and white wisdom of scripture.
Summary: Get wisdom! It will save your life...but ultimately wisdom is only half the picture. We need revelation as well to really live in God’s calling for us.
On the other hand, who needs a blog when I have facebook... ;)
Anyway, I did want to drop this new audio clip (see sidebar) on the blog. It’s a sermon I did at TFC earlier this month and I’ve had really good feedback on it. It’s really about hearing God’s voice and how we balance that with the black and white wisdom of scripture.
Summary: Get wisdom! It will save your life...but ultimately wisdom is only half the picture. We need revelation as well to really live in God’s calling for us.
27 January 2009
New Audio
I just wanted to drop two new audio links here.
The first one is a recording from our Spring boot camp (2008) and it is my Spiritual Warfare session. This needs to be seen as part of a larger 4 day event, but it stands OK by itself.
The second is a sermon that looks at the way our seniors operate in the church and how much we need them.
Check them out in the right column.
The first one is a recording from our Spring boot camp (2008) and it is my Spiritual Warfare session. This needs to be seen as part of a larger 4 day event, but it stands OK by itself.
The second is a sermon that looks at the way our seniors operate in the church and how much we need them.
Check them out in the right column.
21 January 2009
Perspective
I’m ruminating on a thought here and I’m not sure what to make of it yet – but it seems like something that I ought to write down for the sake of articulation and as defense against losing it. (loosing it?)
I’ve heard many people say something to this effect:
The miracle of restoring a person’s soul (AKA: salvation) is far greater than the miracle of restoring sight to the blind, seeing the lame walk or even raising someone from the dead.
I think that the statement is doctrinally true – salvation is an eternal event where a resurrection is merely temporal. I can really get behind that thought...but there is also something about it that bothers me. Because in some way that I can’t quite put my finger on, the statement feels somehow like an incomplete picture, like something really important is missing. As Morpheus says “like a sliver in your mind...you can feel it.”
Yesterday, a solution to this vague dilemma struck me and I’m honestly a little uncomfortable with the implications.
What if the reason even a relatively minor healing feels bigger than an alter call is because I’ve come to expect virtually nothing from salvation?
Like I don’t have any expectation that a person ‘dedicating their life to Christ’ will be at all noticeable. What if I’ve come to swallow a picture of salvation that is so watered down as to be virtually undetectable, so ‘private’ that any public indication of ‘dead to sin but alive to Christ’ is too much to ask, and so ‘progressive’ that thirty years of ‘wrestling’ with the same sin is accepted as appropriate sanctification?
I’ve heard many people say something to this effect:
The miracle of restoring a person’s soul (AKA: salvation) is far greater than the miracle of restoring sight to the blind, seeing the lame walk or even raising someone from the dead.
I think that the statement is doctrinally true – salvation is an eternal event where a resurrection is merely temporal. I can really get behind that thought...but there is also something about it that bothers me. Because in some way that I can’t quite put my finger on, the statement feels somehow like an incomplete picture, like something really important is missing. As Morpheus says “like a sliver in your mind...you can feel it.”
Yesterday, a solution to this vague dilemma struck me and I’m honestly a little uncomfortable with the implications.
What if the reason even a relatively minor healing feels bigger than an alter call is because I’ve come to expect virtually nothing from salvation?
Like I don’t have any expectation that a person ‘dedicating their life to Christ’ will be at all noticeable. What if I’ve come to swallow a picture of salvation that is so watered down as to be virtually undetectable, so ‘private’ that any public indication of ‘dead to sin but alive to Christ’ is too much to ask, and so ‘progressive’ that thirty years of ‘wrestling’ with the same sin is accepted as appropriate sanctification?
01 January 2009
"...forgetting what is behind, I press on."
The snow has been falling all morning and I've been sitting in my mother-in-law's basement room watching the miracle of fluttering frozen flakes. I love the snow.
It's also the first day of a new year - Jan 1, 2009 - and I have this feeling in my heart like something truly new and powerful is budding up in my life. (see my last post about Soma).
Over and over (not sure if I've said it here) I've said that 2008 has been like a Dickens novel - both the best of times and the worst of times. Where the professional and financial aspects of life have been hard, the spiritual aspect of life has been redlined and off the charts. Crazy, mad stuff like I only used to read about in book...now I write about them on my blog.
But I know that I still have so far to go, so much more to press into. I recently found a blog called Violent Grace and I think even the name is just a brilliant sum of the way I feel about my hunger these days. Anyway, on that blog I found the following clip and I was dumbstruck by the plain spoken words in the proclamation to live a life for Christ without compromise and without excuse. (the video footage seems only partly connected...but maybe I don't get it...)
A whisper to a scream.
It's also the first day of a new year - Jan 1, 2009 - and I have this feeling in my heart like something truly new and powerful is budding up in my life. (see my last post about Soma).
Over and over (not sure if I've said it here) I've said that 2008 has been like a Dickens novel - both the best of times and the worst of times. Where the professional and financial aspects of life have been hard, the spiritual aspect of life has been redlined and off the charts. Crazy, mad stuff like I only used to read about in book...now I write about them on my blog.
But I know that I still have so far to go, so much more to press into. I recently found a blog called Violent Grace and I think even the name is just a brilliant sum of the way I feel about my hunger these days. Anyway, on that blog I found the following clip and I was dumbstruck by the plain spoken words in the proclamation to live a life for Christ without compromise and without excuse. (the video footage seems only partly connected...but maybe I don't get it...)
A whisper to a scream.
25 December 2008
Soma takes a big step forward...
There is a LOT more to say about this, but I only have a few minutes.
Check out the breaking news: http://www.somagames.com/
Check out the breaking news: http://www.somagames.com/
01 December 2008
Favor...
Why God’s favor is better than most really good things: I can walk into Panera for a business meeting, mildly anxious about the prices at such a nice upscale yuppy feeding trough. But because it’s like 11:01, the breakfast quiche thingies (the thing I just ordered) are now officially unsellable because breakfast is over.
The counter clerk says, “Oh no. It’s 11 and I can’t sell these now...but I can give it to you. And while I’m at it, maybe you want a second one since that’s free too.”
Score!
The counter clerk says, “Oh no. It’s 11 and I can’t sell these now...but I can give it to you. And while I’m at it, maybe you want a second one since that’s free too.”
Score!
24 November 2008
...In plenty and in want...
Phil 4:11-12 “...for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.”
I never noticed before that Paul says he’s learned how to face ‘plenty’ and ‘abundance’.
I think it’s common to read this passage and hear something like, “I’ve learned how to be poor, and be just as content as someone who is wealthy.” Lord knows, I’ve read it that way or years. And it’s tempting to say that it’s a lot easier to be content in abundance than in poverty...but he truth is, I don’t think I believe it any more.
Shortly after Re and I married I went from making copies at Nike to contract web development and thereby actually doubled my income over night. There aren’t too many times a person gets to experience that in one life. And while it still wasn’t a ton of money by most (American) measures, it was a huge change in lifestyle and for the next two years or so I quite literally made more money than I knew what to do with.
This past year, my business was feeling the current economic blowout way in the early stages when few people would dream of saying things like ‘worst economy since the Great Depression’ and this year I’ve been more broke and lived on less income than I ever have since leaving home.
But you know, I really think that Re and I are OK. The year has been a very painful process of learning to let go of the things that feel important but really aren’t. It’s fascinating really that my spiritual and personal lives (what an odd concept, to deliberately segment our lives..) have been really great. It’s just the professional life that has been so terribly hard.
Still, the thing I wanted to write about was this notion that the real bugger about money, whether you have a lot or a little, is contentment. Poverty threatens my contentment with fear and anxiety. Those emotions tend to be acute and painful, but also short lived and easier to deal with. Laugh in the face of fear and it runs skittering like a little kitty. Abundance threatens my contentment too, but with feelings that are not usually painful. Instead of fear over the electricity getting shut off is fear that today’s success will not be repeatable tomorrow. Instead of depression there is ambition. Instead of ‘Will God come through?” it’s “Will God come through again.”
To my knowledge, the only thing the Word ever names as a direct threat to my soul is wealth. (Mk 8:36) Just for the record, I’m not a prosperity gospel kind of guy, but nor am I a poverty gospel kind of guy. I think God will tend toward making us prosper financially, but I also think that few things seem as likely to corrupt a person as money.
Again, contentment is the thing. I want to get to a place in my heart where money is a non issue to me the same way egg nog is. Yes, that’s a good image. I LOVE egg nog and when it shows up each year you can see me doing the King of the Christmas Drinks dance in front of the dairy case. It’s wonderful, it’s lovely and it contributes several pounds to my waist each year. When it’s in the shelves early, like this year – the day after Halloween for goodness sake – it’s a happy surprise. But when it’s gone I don’t really miss it. I just think, “that sure was fun” and don’t give it another thought until it surprises me next year.
It’s premature to say that I have learned the lesson as Paul puts it in Philippians, but I can certainly begin to see what he’s talking about. In these months the choice has been simple enough: freak out constantly over things you have no ability to influence or control and give in to the ‘do something’ panic voice, or listen to Jesus. Take Him at His word and think about the lilies of the field – choose contentment over anxiety.
Six months ago it was probably six anxiety days for every content day. Now, I’d say it’s the opposite ratio – and I’m looking forward very much to my poor box turkey.
I never noticed before that Paul says he’s learned how to face ‘plenty’ and ‘abundance’.
I think it’s common to read this passage and hear something like, “I’ve learned how to be poor, and be just as content as someone who is wealthy.” Lord knows, I’ve read it that way or years. And it’s tempting to say that it’s a lot easier to be content in abundance than in poverty...but he truth is, I don’t think I believe it any more.
Shortly after Re and I married I went from making copies at Nike to contract web development and thereby actually doubled my income over night. There aren’t too many times a person gets to experience that in one life. And while it still wasn’t a ton of money by most (American) measures, it was a huge change in lifestyle and for the next two years or so I quite literally made more money than I knew what to do with.
This past year, my business was feeling the current economic blowout way in the early stages when few people would dream of saying things like ‘worst economy since the Great Depression’ and this year I’ve been more broke and lived on less income than I ever have since leaving home.
But you know, I really think that Re and I are OK. The year has been a very painful process of learning to let go of the things that feel important but really aren’t. It’s fascinating really that my spiritual and personal lives (what an odd concept, to deliberately segment our lives..) have been really great. It’s just the professional life that has been so terribly hard.
Still, the thing I wanted to write about was this notion that the real bugger about money, whether you have a lot or a little, is contentment. Poverty threatens my contentment with fear and anxiety. Those emotions tend to be acute and painful, but also short lived and easier to deal with. Laugh in the face of fear and it runs skittering like a little kitty. Abundance threatens my contentment too, but with feelings that are not usually painful. Instead of fear over the electricity getting shut off is fear that today’s success will not be repeatable tomorrow. Instead of depression there is ambition. Instead of ‘Will God come through?” it’s “Will God come through again.”
To my knowledge, the only thing the Word ever names as a direct threat to my soul is wealth. (Mk 8:36) Just for the record, I’m not a prosperity gospel kind of guy, but nor am I a poverty gospel kind of guy. I think God will tend toward making us prosper financially, but I also think that few things seem as likely to corrupt a person as money.
Again, contentment is the thing. I want to get to a place in my heart where money is a non issue to me the same way egg nog is. Yes, that’s a good image. I LOVE egg nog and when it shows up each year you can see me doing the King of the Christmas Drinks dance in front of the dairy case. It’s wonderful, it’s lovely and it contributes several pounds to my waist each year. When it’s in the shelves early, like this year – the day after Halloween for goodness sake – it’s a happy surprise. But when it’s gone I don’t really miss it. I just think, “that sure was fun” and don’t give it another thought until it surprises me next year.
It’s premature to say that I have learned the lesson as Paul puts it in Philippians, but I can certainly begin to see what he’s talking about. In these months the choice has been simple enough: freak out constantly over things you have no ability to influence or control and give in to the ‘do something’ panic voice, or listen to Jesus. Take Him at His word and think about the lilies of the field – choose contentment over anxiety.
Six months ago it was probably six anxiety days for every content day. Now, I’d say it’s the opposite ratio – and I’m looking forward very much to my poor box turkey.
23 November 2008
A high-water mark
Today at church I wound up as the teacher for the high school group and we were talking about prayer and how all the book knowledge and good intentions were ultimately pointless unless you put them into practice in the real world. More to the point, there was little value in talking about the gifts of the spirit if you never walked in those gifts...
<digress>
Paul says an interesting thing in Roans 15:19, “...in the power of signs and wonders, in the power of the Holy Spirit; so that from Jerusalem, and round about even unto Illyricum, I have fully preached the gospel of Christ.”
In the past I have always thought of Paul as the level headed apostle, the logical one next to John who is the spooky/touchy/feely one. And Romans, as I’ve been told thousands of times, is Paul’s logical masterpiece. The ultimate systematic explanation of Christian theology. And here, right at the climax of Paul’s precept-by-precept textbook, is this line about miracles...and I have overlooked it entirely until recently. Can I conclude from this verse that to preach the gospel without signs and wonders and the power of the Holy Spirit makes it incomplete? To be honest, more and more I’m feeling like that’s far more true than not true.
</digress>
As we’re closing in on the end of class, Seth walks in and tells me his dad is having a kidney stone attack and could I come and pray with him when I’m done. (memo to Seth: kidney stones suck very, very much. It’s ok to seek prayer right now.) Anyway, since this seems like a perfect opportunity to practice what I was just preaching I tell the class, let’s go and kick some butt.
Just a few words about ‘Dad’ - this dude has had, no exaggeration, more kidney stones than he has teeth. The last two he passed were 4mm and 5mm! And as we were talking a few weeks ago he was sharing how his wife had recently realized how he is always getting hurt, including these stones, just prior to some kind of ministry. In this case, he was fine one minute and when the pastor started talking about something very close to his heart, the stones started, and he told me later this morning that he’s come to a place where he can endure a ‘normal’ stone pretty well but this one hit like a freight train was a ‘where’s the vicidin’ moment.
Anyway, me and the teens walk in and everybody has their heads down praying. (not for D. It was part of the service) So we sneak over to his chair and get next to D. to start praying. 60 seconds later I ask him, “Are we getting any traction? Is anything happening?” and he looks over at me sort of stunned. And he whispers “It’s all gone! All of a sudden, its gone!”
I think that deserves a Booya. :)
Good ol’ Jesus. Nothin’ beats Jesus.
I don’t remember if I wrote about this or not, but about a month ago I saw a girl’s leg leg grow about an inch or so right in front of me, and then again on film since the guy next to me filmed it. I wasn’t part of the prayer in that case, but it represented a new high-water mark in the kinds of healing that I’ve personally witnessed. Today was a new high-water mark for the kinds of healings I’ve personally participated in. Needles to say...well perhaps it is always needed...is just to state plainly and often how I had exactly zero tom do with the healing, my role is only to show up and pray as directed.
Bill Johnson says something about miracles that we say at Boot Camp – the problem with experiencing God or witnessing a miracle, is that you are then responsible to bring that same truth to others. You can no longer claim that you just didn’t know. Back to Dar Williams’ quote,
“Now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.”
---------------------
As I pushed the send button on this entry, I went back to my sent items box to try and nail down the date of the other recent healing...and it looks as though I never wrote about it. DOH!
OK, so about a month and a half ago, I was in the circulation to teach an Alpha class to the Junior High class. As it happened, the class was on healing. Now for most of this class, I’m basically reading from a lesson guide. And toward the end the book says “How do we pray for the sick?” and then there’s basically a script that walks a person through a typical, generic healing prayer.
Well Kirk is there with me as my wingman ad he’s been helping along the way. When we get to this part I turn to him and we start playacting the script.
‘Kirk, where does it hurt?’ and he points to his ankle.
‘What did you do? How long has this been going on?’ and he tells about a water ski accident.
Blah, blah, blah, we finish the script and I turn to the kids to say “Any questions?”
...but they’re all looking at Kirk. So I turn my head and Kirk has this weird puzzled look on his face and he’s twisting and flexing his leg and ankle.
“Everything OK?”
“It worked.”
“What worked?”
“The prayer. My leg is fine now.”
Keep in mind, I’m thinking that we were just acting. We were just following the script. So now I’m thinking, “OK, Kirk – the show’s over bub. They get it.”
But he’s serious – turns out he wasn’t acting at all. At least the injury he described was real and he’d torn his hamstring almost a year earlier and it had never healed which was causing his a lot of secondary problems like back pain and an overworked ankle. And right there in front of the junior high kids, Jesus fixed it...whether we were acting or not. :)
<digress>
Paul says an interesting thing in Roans 15:19, “...in the power of signs and wonders, in the power of the Holy Spirit; so that from Jerusalem, and round about even unto Illyricum, I have fully preached the gospel of Christ.”
In the past I have always thought of Paul as the level headed apostle, the logical one next to John who is the spooky/touchy/feely one. And Romans, as I’ve been told thousands of times, is Paul’s logical masterpiece. The ultimate systematic explanation of Christian theology. And here, right at the climax of Paul’s precept-by-precept textbook, is this line about miracles...and I have overlooked it entirely until recently. Can I conclude from this verse that to preach the gospel without signs and wonders and the power of the Holy Spirit makes it incomplete? To be honest, more and more I’m feeling like that’s far more true than not true.
</digress>
As we’re closing in on the end of class, Seth walks in and tells me his dad is having a kidney stone attack and could I come and pray with him when I’m done. (memo to Seth: kidney stones suck very, very much. It’s ok to seek prayer right now.) Anyway, since this seems like a perfect opportunity to practice what I was just preaching I tell the class, let’s go and kick some butt.
Just a few words about ‘Dad’ - this dude has had, no exaggeration, more kidney stones than he has teeth. The last two he passed were 4mm and 5mm! And as we were talking a few weeks ago he was sharing how his wife had recently realized how he is always getting hurt, including these stones, just prior to some kind of ministry. In this case, he was fine one minute and when the pastor started talking about something very close to his heart, the stones started, and he told me later this morning that he’s come to a place where he can endure a ‘normal’ stone pretty well but this one hit like a freight train was a ‘where’s the vicidin’ moment.
Anyway, me and the teens walk in and everybody has their heads down praying. (not for D. It was part of the service) So we sneak over to his chair and get next to D. to start praying. 60 seconds later I ask him, “Are we getting any traction? Is anything happening?” and he looks over at me sort of stunned. And he whispers “It’s all gone! All of a sudden, its gone!”
I think that deserves a Booya. :)
Good ol’ Jesus. Nothin’ beats Jesus.
I don’t remember if I wrote about this or not, but about a month ago I saw a girl’s leg leg grow about an inch or so right in front of me, and then again on film since the guy next to me filmed it. I wasn’t part of the prayer in that case, but it represented a new high-water mark in the kinds of healing that I’ve personally witnessed. Today was a new high-water mark for the kinds of healings I’ve personally participated in. Needles to say...well perhaps it is always needed...is just to state plainly and often how I had exactly zero tom do with the healing, my role is only to show up and pray as directed.
Bill Johnson says something about miracles that we say at Boot Camp – the problem with experiencing God or witnessing a miracle, is that you are then responsible to bring that same truth to others. You can no longer claim that you just didn’t know. Back to Dar Williams’ quote,
“Now we have to live with what we did with what we saw.”
---------------------
As I pushed the send button on this entry, I went back to my sent items box to try and nail down the date of the other recent healing...and it looks as though I never wrote about it. DOH!
OK, so about a month and a half ago, I was in the circulation to teach an Alpha class to the Junior High class. As it happened, the class was on healing. Now for most of this class, I’m basically reading from a lesson guide. And toward the end the book says “How do we pray for the sick?” and then there’s basically a script that walks a person through a typical, generic healing prayer.
Well Kirk is there with me as my wingman ad he’s been helping along the way. When we get to this part I turn to him and we start playacting the script.
‘Kirk, where does it hurt?’ and he points to his ankle.
‘What did you do? How long has this been going on?’ and he tells about a water ski accident.
Blah, blah, blah, we finish the script and I turn to the kids to say “Any questions?”
...but they’re all looking at Kirk. So I turn my head and Kirk has this weird puzzled look on his face and he’s twisting and flexing his leg and ankle.
“Everything OK?”
“It worked.”
“What worked?”
“The prayer. My leg is fine now.”
Keep in mind, I’m thinking that we were just acting. We were just following the script. So now I’m thinking, “OK, Kirk – the show’s over bub. They get it.”
But he’s serious – turns out he wasn’t acting at all. At least the injury he described was real and he’d torn his hamstring almost a year earlier and it had never healed which was causing his a lot of secondary problems like back pain and an overworked ankle. And right there in front of the junior high kids, Jesus fixed it...whether we were acting or not. :)
19 October 2008
A Letter To 3
3,
I don’t know if you still follow this blog but since I really don’t know a better way to reach you, I’ll have to trust that this will get to you one way or another.
I just want you to know, that for my part, I forgive you all that happened.
I admit, I’m curious to know how that must sound to you. Of course, in many ways, my forgiveness is probably the least of those you might seek. But I really don’t know where you are these days, how you’re thinking, what you’re feeling. Even if this gesture seems pointless to you, or bass ackwards it’s something that seems important and it seems important that I say it now as opposed to waiting for some future ‘better-moment’ that may or may not ever come.
So for whatever it’s worth to you, which admittedly may be very little, I just want you to know that I hold nothing against you and truly wish you the best.
Grace and Peace my brother.
18 October 2008
Great. Now we have Chain blog posts...
Tag Rules:
Ichi: I’m not sure, but I think this is the cow story I’ve been asked to recount: Once when I was driving toward Sherwood it was this unbelievably awesome day and Mt. Hood was just as lovely as could be so I pulled over across from Sleigh bells to take in the view. In the field next to me was this big ol’ Holstein milk cow and she comes running over to me as if something is really important. Now only ten or so feet from my face she’s staring at me, and now I’m staring back wondering why this cow has taken such intense interest in me. When eye contact is firmly established, she tosses her head back over her shoulder as if to say ‘Come on in here. I want to show you something.’ It was a perfect cow imitation of a well known human gesture...and then she did it again, and then a third time. It was so surreal and I just there wondering what was going on here. I remember a story somewhere about a guy who thought the bears had beckoned him into their enclosure at the zoo and I think the guy was mauled. Luckily the voices in my head told me the cow was in no way beckoning me into her enclosure, but rather my inner child. But since he was in time-out in the corner, Bessie was SOL.
Ni: Once I was spending the night at KK’s house (I was maybe 14) and we had been up late playing games or something. After dozing off at some point I woke way into the night to realize that we had left the lamp on in the front room. So I groggily got up and shambled up the hallway to turn it off. As I was just there at the lamp it turned off by itself. Keith’s house was haunted, we all knew that, but I was too dang sleepy to be scared, so I said ‘thanks’ and shambled back to bed.
San: I wonder sometimes what happened to Tana Cole. There was a season where her and I were pretty close friends and it was remarkable how much she could NOT cook...anything. No, it was worse than that: she was literally cursed in the kitchen. I remember watching an ‘unbreakable’ bottle of ketchup shatter at her touch and splatter the whole galley with tomato goo. She was really cool, but I guess once she became a cheerleader I felt pretty intimidated since I was a drama geek and sort of faded out. I hope life has been good to her.
Shi: Lisa and Beth can attest to this. Once I was practicing spinning, flying kick things for my red belt training and I was so cool I kicked my own ass. It was AWESOME.
Go: In time, I hope to have the chance to work with Michael the Archangel. I don’t really know what that might look like, (probably not John Travolta, but then again, what do I know) but really. Going on a ride-along with that creature would be really cool.
Roq: When Odin was in the hospital and I wondered if he was going to die each hour after another, I tried to read the gospels to him as much as I could. I wasn’t really trying to comfort myself, I was hoping that somehow they would help him, maybe just mentioning Jesus’ name over and over, even as read from a work out Gideon pocket Bible from my sea bag. I don’t really know what I was doing, but it seemed important. And I tried to teach him songs, In Christ Alone and Before The Throne of God Above in particular, he seemed to like those. I completely understand what it’s like to want to die. To want the unimaginable fear and pain to just stop for a moment. The helplessness, the despair, I can only pray that I’ll never have to walk that valley again.
And now, ironically, Odin is the most vivid, palpable, undeniable argument for life that I can imagine. Tonight as I was putting him to bed he (for the first time) wrapped his arms around my neck, laid his head on my shoulder and asked me to sing to him in the dark.
Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.
- Post the rules on your blog
- Write 6 random things about yourself
- Tag 6 people at the end of your post
- If you are tagged, just do it, and pass the tag along!
Ichi: I’m not sure, but I think this is the cow story I’ve been asked to recount: Once when I was driving toward Sherwood it was this unbelievably awesome day and Mt. Hood was just as lovely as could be so I pulled over across from Sleigh bells to take in the view. In the field next to me was this big ol’ Holstein milk cow and she comes running over to me as if something is really important. Now only ten or so feet from my face she’s staring at me, and now I’m staring back wondering why this cow has taken such intense interest in me. When eye contact is firmly established, she tosses her head back over her shoulder as if to say ‘Come on in here. I want to show you something.’ It was a perfect cow imitation of a well known human gesture...and then she did it again, and then a third time. It was so surreal and I just there wondering what was going on here. I remember a story somewhere about a guy who thought the bears had beckoned him into their enclosure at the zoo and I think the guy was mauled. Luckily the voices in my head told me the cow was in no way beckoning me into her enclosure, but rather my inner child. But since he was in time-out in the corner, Bessie was SOL.
Ni: Once I was spending the night at KK’s house (I was maybe 14) and we had been up late playing games or something. After dozing off at some point I woke way into the night to realize that we had left the lamp on in the front room. So I groggily got up and shambled up the hallway to turn it off. As I was just there at the lamp it turned off by itself. Keith’s house was haunted, we all knew that, but I was too dang sleepy to be scared, so I said ‘thanks’ and shambled back to bed.
San: I wonder sometimes what happened to Tana Cole. There was a season where her and I were pretty close friends and it was remarkable how much she could NOT cook...anything. No, it was worse than that: she was literally cursed in the kitchen. I remember watching an ‘unbreakable’ bottle of ketchup shatter at her touch and splatter the whole galley with tomato goo. She was really cool, but I guess once she became a cheerleader I felt pretty intimidated since I was a drama geek and sort of faded out. I hope life has been good to her.
Shi: Lisa and Beth can attest to this. Once I was practicing spinning, flying kick things for my red belt training and I was so cool I kicked my own ass. It was AWESOME.
Go: In time, I hope to have the chance to work with Michael the Archangel. I don’t really know what that might look like, (probably not John Travolta, but then again, what do I know) but really. Going on a ride-along with that creature would be really cool.
Roq: When Odin was in the hospital and I wondered if he was going to die each hour after another, I tried to read the gospels to him as much as I could. I wasn’t really trying to comfort myself, I was hoping that somehow they would help him, maybe just mentioning Jesus’ name over and over, even as read from a work out Gideon pocket Bible from my sea bag. I don’t really know what I was doing, but it seemed important. And I tried to teach him songs, In Christ Alone and Before The Throne of God Above in particular, he seemed to like those. I completely understand what it’s like to want to die. To want the unimaginable fear and pain to just stop for a moment. The helplessness, the despair, I can only pray that I’ll never have to walk that valley again.
And now, ironically, Odin is the most vivid, palpable, undeniable argument for life that I can imagine. Tonight as I was putting him to bed he (for the first time) wrapped his arms around my neck, laid his head on my shoulder and asked me to sing to him in the dark.
Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.
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